Now I’m Thinking How Could He Do It Twice?
It was May 16th, 2002 and I was a young eight years old (my god only eight….) this day is a strange day in my head as it was the first day that I remember pretending to be sick to miss school. I had pretended to be sick in the hopes of seeing Attack of the Clones that day. I remember being in the car driving with my mum as she asked me if I wanted to go see it, to which I replied with yes and the type of yes that could never have been from a boy feeling so sick. I actually ended up feeling sick before the screening and we went to the one afterwards, little karma but oh well. The film had finished and I was all excited and in the car with my mum as she asked me not to tell my older brother, who was at school and obviously not cool enough to chuck a sicky, about the film as he was seeing it later with my dad. What followed would be my first memory of reviewing a movie as the whole time my brother was home, before the screening, I proceeded to act out most of the film on my trampoline with my lightsaber, a common act for a young padawan like myself at the time. I was over the moon about it all….now as I sit here having rewatched it for this review I realised that maybe the real karma is knowing now that at the time I really loved it and I probably shouldn’t of.
There is something about Attack of the Clones which is cool and other things that just make you think what happened with George’s grand vision again. The cool part is that everyone is grown up and there’s no more kidding around, literally. Instead of young Anakin in The Phantom Menace, we have a now grown up Anakin who, clearly like me at a young age, is a bit of a rebel. However, there are not many great things that come out of Attack of the Clones. The list is pretty short as it only really contains, Obi-Wan, Mace Windu’s purple lightsaber, the Jedi storming the arena, the beginning of the clone troopers and stormtroopers and maybe Yoda’s fighting….maybe. It’s not a lot to get you through what feels like a long and drawn out film, I paused it t get a drink only to realise there was still an hour left despite the third act beginning, which just didn’t seem to make any sense.
As a young kid I don’t believe I had the right forming in my brain yet to understand why it was bad but now I think I do and like some of the stuff Anakin and Padme say to each other is just weird. In fact, it’s barely what they say it’s more how they go by saying it. Interrupting each other’s sentences just to say something awkward as the film cuts to them just sitting in a room sightly and you’re third wheeling and sweating because you’re trying desperately to figure out how to get out of this mess without being rude. If I said to my girlfriend any line from Attack of the Clones that Anakin says to Padme she would straight away be asking what the hell is wrong with me and why I’m being so awkward and weird. I’ve picked out my favourite awkward moment and just reading it is weird;
Padme: It must be difficult having sworn your life to the Jedi… not being able to visit the places you like… or do the things you like.
Anakin: Or be with the people I love.
Padme: Are you allowed to love? I thought that was forbidden for a Jedi.
It might just seem like a normal conversation, well really it’s not, but how it plays out is irritatingly awkward as once Padme finishes her first sentence Anakin just jumps in with his line as if he’s like a puppy desperately asking for attention or just the most clingy person in the universe. Which in the end is ironic when you consider how easily he can leave his love of being a Jedi and killing all his friends in the process, a dark turn but a necessary one apparently. It’s this very type of conversation that ruins the whole film. I can deal with the CGI not being great and random unexplained stories but the dialogue is painstakingly bad, even when compared to The Phantom Menace and I don’t get why a young me wasn’t bored out of his mind but maybe it’s just the magic of Star Wars? Whatever it was it’s gotten weaker now that I’m older and I’m paying attention to the dialogue more. I loved getting to love Attack of the Clones when I was a kid, it’s a nice memory I have and it’s one of the first going to the movies memory that I can remember but it will still be a little shameful, to be honest.
Score: 2.5/5
Theories:
Master Sifo Dyas
Ahh, Master Sifo Dyas, the made-up character who commissioned the clone army for the republic and no one knew about it at all except George Lucas because he made up the character and also never told anyone his background at all so it wasn’t even explained until a couple of years ago. Master Sifo Dyas was a Jedi who had the ability to have visions of the future, similar to my Qui-Gon theory in my Phantom Menace review. He had a vision of the destruction of the Jedi and the republic so he took it upon himself to commission the clone army, how? I don’t know. He was eventually killed by Palpatine and then Palpatine and his followers took over the clone army and added in order 66 into the microchips in the clones’ brains which were originally designed to stop the clones from killing the Jedi if they accidentally turned evil….again ironic. The theory is that Supreme Leader Snoke is Master Sifo Dyas who had forseen all of that happening and somehow got out alive to be the last person standing and win over Palpatine. It isn’t a very common theory and I doubt that it would be true because he isn’t exactly well known or anything and Attack of the Clones wasn’t great but it would be a little different and well the shots of him in the Clone Wars series do look a little Snoke-like.